Death + Taxes, March 5, 2012

Brooklyn-based noisemakers Black Dice have unveiled the lead track off their upcoming album, “Mr. Impossible.” They previously released “Pigs,” which is track four on the record.

The song, “Pinball Wizard,” is a fuzzy, looping, slightly electronic number that sounds absolutely nothing by the classic Who track of the same name. Even still, insert half-assed joke involving the phrase “supple wrist” here.

Check out the song, track list and tour dates (starting with an album release show in Brooklyn) below. “Mr. Impossible” is out April 10 on Ribbon Music.

Tour Dates:
4/7 – Brooklyn, NY @ Living Bread
5/3 – Boston, MA @ Blue Triangle
5/4 – Montreal, Quebec @ Il Motore
5/5 – Toronto, Ontario @ Polyhaus
5/6 – Detroit, MI @ PJ’s Lager House
5/7 – Chicago, IL @ The Bottom Lounge
5/8 – Minneapolis, MN @ Cedar Cultural Center
5/11 – Seattle, WA @ Seattle Tavern
5/12 – Portland, OR @ YU Contemporary
5/14 – San Francisco, CA @ The Lab
5/15 – Los Angeles, CA @ Eagle Rock Center for Arts
5/18 – Austin, TX @ Red 7
5/19 – Dallas, TX @ Sons of Hermann Hall
5/20 – New Orleans, LA @ One Eyed Jacks
5/22 – Atlanta, GA @ 529
5/23 – Chapel Hill, NC @ Local 506
5/24 – Washington, D.C. @ U Street Music Hall
5/25 – Philadelphia, PA @ Emoda Warehouse
5/26 – New York, NY @ Secret Project Robot

Track list:
1. Pinball Wizard
2. Rodriguez
3. The Jacker
4. Pigs
5. Spy Vs. Spy
6. Out Body Drifter
7. Shithouse Drifter
8. Carnitas
9. Brunswick Sludge

Death + Taxes, March 5, 2012

Apparently, in addition to teaching kids how to make things out of macaroni and peel carrots with a pocket knife, Girl Scouts can also get some experience chasing down criminals.

A troop in Texas was selling cookies outside their local Wal-Mart over the weekend when someone snatched their cash box.

The girls had been selling for nearly four hours when a man came to the table, appearing to ask about cookie prices and flavors. He and a friend then took off with their money in a beat-up Camry. Rachel Johnson, a teenager who has been a member of Girl Scouts for 9 years, chased after them, grabbing onto and being dragged by the car. Fellow troop member Iravia Cotton hit the boy who was in the passenger seat.

The thieves got away with about $200 in cookie money, but these girls didn’t go down without a fight. It just goes to show that you do not want to mess with Girl Scouts.

Death + Taxes, February 28, 2012

We all do it. You wake up late, scramble to get out the door on time and barely have time to pound back a cup of coffee or, if you’re lucky, some sad little morsel that’s supposed to count as breakfast. You’re starving again in a couple of hours, but it’s nowhere near lunch time, so you grab another snack to hold you over. Repeat ad nauseum until this is your daily routine.

And so, second breakfast is becoming more popular, helping along our transition from full-fledged humans into tiny little hobbits. Soon we’ll be half our own height with extremely hairy feet.

Naturally, big food is trying to capitalize on our AM grazing by marketing “healthy” morning snacks like fiber bars and other pre-packaged foods that are low in calories but likely high in preservatives. Why encourage people to eat something like fruit or whole grains when there’s money to be made off something Nabisco can put in a box?

So in the process of adapting our eating habits to fit our busy lives, ad execs and companies that live to peddle artificial foods have found something new to sell us. And if that doesn’t work out, maybe Peter Jackson can cast us all as extras.

Just wait until we start working in elevensies and afternoon tea.

Death + Taxes, February 27, 2012

The part of Oscar night that’s the most worth talking about wasn’t the awards, or the fashions, or Billy Crystal’s horrifying use of blackface. In fact, it wasn’t even part of the ceremony. No, the best part of Oscar night happened on the red carpet, when Sacha Baron Cohen dumped fake ashes all over Ryan Seacrest.

Cohen came to the awards dressed as General Aladeen, his character from the upcoming movie, “The Dictator.” He was carrying an urn that had Kim Jong Il’s face on it. While Seacrest was interviewing him, Cohen spilled the “ashes” inside (actually Bisquick) all over the E! host’s tux jacket. Cohen was quickly whisked away by security and made to dump the rest of the urn, but the damage was done, and Ryan Seacrest was standing on camera covered in white powder and visibly flustered.

The stodgy-old-white-man-run Academy is probably wishing they had stuck to their initial ruling that Cohen would not be admitted if he came in costume, but the public should be glad they relented.

The pre-shows are typically fairly tame and need shaking up from time to time. The Grammys have Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga showing up in wild costumes, but the Oscars are a bit more serious, which means the red carpet is simply a lot of questions about designers and what the nominees think their chances are (hint: about one in five). It was great to see that Seacrest didn’t know how to handle the show going off-book for a minute, because he was quite visibly livid. He would have come across a lot better if he’d managed to laugh it off with the next few stars who came along.

Even Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne seemed to find the whole thing pretty hilarious. Rancic asked Seacrest, “Who are you wearing now?” That was either an honest question about his replacement tuxedo or a brilliantly twisted play on the fact that it was supposed to be cremated remains all over him.

Death + Taxes, February 27, 2012

Right-wing politicians — even female ones — often show a lot of fear and misunderstanding of the lady parts, and sometimes it spreads into their home towns. That’s what happened in Wasilla, Alaska, home to none other than former vice presidential candidate, partial-term governor, reality TV star and all-around fame hound Sarah Palin.

The local high school in Wasilla commissioned a statue that was supposed to represent the school’s mascot, the Warriors, with a shield surrounded by feathers, and a hand print to symbolize good deeds. But this is a high school, full of teenagers, so the vagina jokes started almost immediately. Three days after it was erected, the school covered it in a tarp, ostensibly to protect it from vandalism. But fortunately they reconsidered and removed the covering. The artists, Jim Dault and Shala Dobson, held workshops at the school to explain the meaning behind the piece to students, who will probably continue to make vagina jokes anyway.

Now that it’s been pointed out, it’s hard to unsee. This thing has started to look like it’s giving birth to a bronzed Wilson from “Cast Away.” But it’s hardly worth getting worked up about. A lot of artwork and monuments look at least a little bit like genitalia. Go visit the Washington Monument if you don’t believe me.

[Huffington Post]

Death + Taxes, February 27, 2012

The Arctic Monkeys released “Suck It and See” just last year, but they’re already working on new stuff. They have released a new song and video, “R U Mine?” that follows up the 2011 record.

The black-and-white video starts in a KROQ studio (with Steve Jones, former Sex Pistol and current DJ), then follows the band in their car, ending up on a stage. Check it out below, or buy the song on iTunes.

We’ve spent the past few weeks learning different knitting skills. There are more, too, but I thought this week we’d take a break from the onslaught and look at some cute baby patterns.

Now that you’re an expert knitter, the time will probably come when someone you know is knocked up and would absolutely love a handmade gift. Or maybe you figure why shell out all kinds of dough on changing pads and boppies and whatever else new moms ask for when you can be unique and impressive and make something beautiful? It’s a valid idea. So here are some cute baby gifts.

Hats

Baby hats are really quick and easy to make, so they’re good in a time crunch (or if you don’t have a ton of yarn). You can go traditional or goofy with them, too.

As an added bonus, it kind of looks like an umbilical cord.

Let’s start with the Easy Peasy Newborn Sock Hat, which will use a very small amount of sock yarn. You’ll need to learn to make an I-cord, which is super easy, but other than that it’s just knitting in the round and decreasing. There are also similar versions in worsted weight yarn available.

Donkey not included.

If you want to get a little goofier, there’s the Ogre Babies hat. It’s just a plain hat, then you pick up some stitches to make the ears. You can handle it. Really easy, and hilarious.

There are tons of whimsical baby hats out there, so if you want to make the kid looks like a bear, a berry or a cupcake, the knitting world has your back.

Of course, not every mom will want her baby to wear a panda hat, so there are always more traditional styles.

No ears on this one.

The leafy baby hat above is a fairly simple but pretty hat. There are matching socks, but if you aren’t feeling brave enough to try them, you don’t have to. The Ziggity Hat is a fairly easy-looking combination of purls, knits and slipped stitches to make a cool zigzag pattern. If lace is your style, there’s the Heart Lace hat and the Light and Lacy Spring Hat (which is so pretty I’d like a grown-up version for myself).

Blankets

Baby blankets seem more advanced and involved than they are. They can actually be pretty simple, and since they’re for a tiny baby, they don’t have to be huge. So they don’t even take that long.

Gull lace makes me really happy.

Last week when we were talking about lace, I mentioned how much I love the gull pattern. Well, there it is in baby blanket form, as part of the Pine Forest Baby Blanket pattern. I kind of want to make a big version for myself. Feather and Fan is another simple lace pattern that translates well to a blanket. I made the Cozy Luxe Baby Blanket for my cousin’s son and it turned out great, plus it wasn’t that difficult.

For babies who enjoy LSD.

Of course, I know not everyone shares my love of lace. The trippy OpArt Blanket above is just garter stitch, changing colors, and increases, plus working on two circular needles, so it should be manageable and still produce a pretty awesome effect. If the parents are nautical types, there’s the Come Sail Away blanket. If you want something more straightforward and less gimmicky, there’s the basic Sunny Baby Blanket pattern or the Diagonal Comfort Blanket.

Gifts for Breeding Nerds

Sometimes, geeky people have babies. And for them, you might want presents that match their nerdy ways. Luckily, there’s no shortage of that out there.

Drink this bottle, you must.

For Star Wars loving parents, there’s the Yoda bottle cozy, plus the Felted Yoda Hat and the corresponding Yoda sweater. Lord of the Rings fans will appreciate the Proudfeet hobbit booties (I made those; they’re hilarious and I want to figure out how to size them up for my own feet). If you don’t want to go for a specific fandom, but know the family has a sense of humor, you could always make a baby sumo wrestler outfit. But really, for me the pinnacle of baby nerddom comes only if the parents appreciate a quality Nintendo game.

Looks like someone needs a heart potion.

The Baby Link costume. In my Zelda-loving eyes, there is nothing better as far as baby gifts go. It’s almost awesome enough to make me have a baby of my own. Almost. Anyway, it’s a lot of pieces, but none seem all that complicated (you’ll need to learn basic crochet for the bottle holder strap), so you could probably do it. Please do.

Next week, we’ll probably go back to learning new skills, so ready your brains. And as always, if you have any questions, leave a comment.

It’s pretty easy to get bogged down by how offensive and ludicrous all these anti-abortion measures are, so it’s a nice change when when politicians have a sense of humor about things. The Georgia legislature is debating whether to allow abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, and state Democrats have replied with a healthy dose of snark.

Rep. Yasmin Neal, who represents Jonesboro, introduced a bill banning vasectomies. The legislation purposefully borrows the melodramatically emotional language often found in abortion bills.

“It is patently unfair that men avoid the rewards of unwanted fatherhood by presuming that their judgment over such matters is more valid than the judgment of the General Assembly. … It is the purpose of the General Assembly to assert an invasive state interest in the reproductive habits of men in this state and substitute the will of the government over the will of adult men.”

It’s true that vasectomies aren’t exactly the male version of abortion. There is no male equivalent of abortion, which is kind of the point, so they had to go for the next best thing. Obviously, no one really expects this legislation to pass, and it was only introduced to make a point that the government should be worrying about more important things than what women are doing with their bodies.

Besides, as Rep. Neal says, “It’s still not my place as a woman to tell a man what to do with his body.” Now if only lawmakers would figure out the inverse of that.

Watch the video below to see Rep. Neal introduce the bill.

Mormons have been in some hot water for their posthumous proxy baptisms of famous Jewish figures like Anne Frank and the parents of Simon Wiesenthal, not to mention the still-alive Elie Wiesel. So now it’s time for a little Internet-style payback.

If you head over to All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay, you can enter the name of your favorite deceased member of the LDS church to posthumously be made homosexual. Don’t have a favorite dead Mormon? Well, they’ve got a generator that wil provide you with a random one so you don’t miss out on the fun.

Sorry, dead Mormon Gary Scott.

When I was in college, my school would hold poster sales at the start of every semester. Among the bikini models and screen grabs from “Scarface,” there were always a lot of mosaic posters. They were usually some famous person or character that was made out of smaller images from their movie or show. I had one of Homer Simpson; my freshman year roommate had Bob Marley.

Neither of our posters were made of porn.

Some creative person made a similar mosaic picture of Rick Santorum using screen grabs from gay porn (there’s a high res version you can zoom in on if the one above isn’t enough). I’m not sure who actually sat down and made the image, but they deserve some kind of internet badge of honor.

And you’ve got to enjoy imagining what Santorum would think about having that many penises on his face.

[Via The Conjecturer]